To my Addy-Pie
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| Photo Credit: My awesomely-talented, photographer-friend Katie. Look her up if you are in Northern California. |
The way you came into my world was much the way it's been your whole life.
I wasn't ready.
I had my last day of children's church before maternity leave in a few hours and only my notes to myself scribbled down... who would be able to lead it?
I had myself so psyched out that you would be later than my due date and that water's only broke before labor started in the movies. It didn't even occur to me that you could come 3 weeks before your due date without an inkling of warning. I didn't have a single item packed. I didn't even know what to pack.
I dammed up the stream of tears and fear as I woke Mike. "It's time."
"How do you know it's time?" He mumbled as he rolled over.
The dam broke and I wailed. "My... water... broke..."
Mike shot up. He looked at me as though he's a private and I was his drill sergeant. "What do I need to do? Tell me what to do." He's ready for my orders.
"I don't know. I am just not ready." More sobs.
I woke my mom up. I am panicked. She is speaking to me slowly and calmly. "You need to pack your bag, Amanda. What do you need to bring?"
"I don't know." Tears. I am already failing at motherhood.
"Okay. Well, where's the paper that tells you what to bring?" My mom resolved to bring calm to the situation.
"I don't know." And then in exasperation. "I'm just not ready!"
The house became a frenzy. My sister was laughing at my lack of preparation. My youngest brother and my dad were wide-eyed staring at me in awe of the wonder of life that was about to take place in the big sister/eldest daughter. I was walking back and forth between the kitchen, the bathroom, and my room in a blur, just trying to hold a clear thought of what I needed to bring and who could lead children's church and how badly would this hurt.
19 hours later you entered the world.
In the midst of my fears and lack of preparation,
in the midst of wanting to fight against the contractions that told me this was in fact happening, my life was in fact changing,
after laboring and struggling and the crying out, "I cannot do this!"
You came.
You wrenched open my heart the moment you wrenched forth your way into this world, and you've never let it close.
The way, with each milestone, it seems it always takes me by surprise and I never feel ready for it, yet one day you got it in your head to crawl, to walk, to be weaned, and now to brush your teeth and hair by yourself.
The way you tell a perfect stranger, "That is such a pretty shirt" or "Christmas is for Jesus" when I want to be closed and intraverted and even a little judgmental.
The way you beg for the car windows to be rolled down and the exclamation made "Hoo Hoo! It's a Hang Day!" with arms stretched out into wind, no matter the rush or bad mood I am in.
The way you crawl up in my lap and demand my attention and affection, when perhaps it is in my nature to be a little less affectionate, to be a little more closed.
I can't not love you.
I can live so closed fist, so afraid; but you brave girl, pry my hands open.
You gave me the gift of life and love and joy and you keep giving it.
You have forever changed me, Daughter, and you keep changing me. I am so proud of who you are and who you are becoming. I may be un-prepared, I may be a procrastinator in all things relating to change, but, oh, how God gave me the most precious gift in you.
I love you. To the moon and back. With all my heart. No matter what.
Happy 4th Birthday Addy!
Love, Momma