I Jumped...
As a child I was painfully shy and had a hard time making friends. I remember one time in kindergarten; I got this idea that would change my friendless future. I would make a club!
I told all the girls in my class, “I am starting a club and it’s going to be super fun. No boys are allowed.”
Girls from my class began flocking to me. “What are we going to do, Amanda?”
My response came out hesitantly; I really hadn’t thought it out that far. “We are… are… going to play jump rope!” And after a few minutes of jump rope, I declared, “Now we are going to… to… play link arms and take turns being the leader!”
After a few minutes of the follow-the-leader game one of the girls looked at me and said, “This game is stupid. What else can we do in your club?”
I couldn’t think. I was out of ideas. I stood there dumbfounded until another girl piped up, “Your club is boring. I’m going to start a way better and cooler club.” And just like that my 10 minutes in the sun ended. Every single girl left my club for the better and cooler club, and I was right back where I started, all alone.
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I think somewhere deep down in my heart of hearts, I worry my whole life will be like this. Trying and failing. I worry I will step out on one of the ideas that God’s placed in my heart, and He won’t meet me there. I worry someone will discover how flawed I am, how I don’t have all the answers, how I really don’t have any clue what I am doing other than that I think I am following Christ.
Perhaps even more difficult than the listening, than the obeying, is the now-what part of following Christ. “I did it, God. I heard You. I obeyed You. Now where are You? You are going to show up, right? You are going to catch me, right?”
I think of Peter who, upon seeing Jesus walking on the water, zealously asks if he can join Him. Peter gets out of the boat, he walks on water (WALKS on WATER!)… and then he sees the wind. Peter’s faith wavers. He wonders what he’s doing. He wonders what will happen. The what-ifs have a chance to catch up with him.
I got out of the boat. Now what?
Peter begins sinking, and as Jesus lifts him out of the water he asks, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”
Why do I doubt?
I’ve heard God. I’ve obeyed. And I worry He won’t see it through. I worry I will fail. I worry the storms of life will consume me or my family.
Jesus is in front of Peter. With him. And Jesus is before me. With me.
I am still the insecure girl worried that I am going to get left alone, that I am going to fail, that God won’t do what He promised.
I am like Peter, scared of wind.
In those moments I see the way I haven’t really surrendered myself. Because if I had surrendered my life, placed it fully in Christ’s hands, I wouldn’t doubt. I wouldn’t try to pick my life back out of Christ’s hands. I would allow Christ to have His timing, His way, His outcome. My eyes would stay set on Him.
Not only do you need to believe that God can… but you have to believe that God can in YOU, and through YOU.
Crazy obedience is releasing control. It’s letting go of past failures, mistakes and heartaches.
I give God my life.
And then it’s His.
“It is not I who lives but Christ who lives in me.”
As I think of this idea of taking a leap of faith, I think of the phrase “falling in love.” Faith is jumping even when you aren’t 100% sure of the outcome. Faith is trusting that God will catch you. And the more times I free-fall from my will into His, the deeper I fall in love with Jesus.
He. Has. Always. Been. With. Me.
And I am fallingin love with Him.
Amen.
By Grace,
Amanda
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