In Which I Fess Up...

So today, I need to fess up.

"Hi. My name is Amanda. And I am struggling with 'Crazy Obedience'."

Before I started this series, I had some doors open in my family’s life. And now we are walking in those realities. And I’m struggling.

Two weeks ago, I sat in on a stress management and the law enforcement career class with my husband. It felt like I slammed into the brick wall of reality of what it means to be a cop and a cop’s wife. 

In the midst of this, we have some major church changes on the horizon, I have some decisions to make about my involvement in the church, and it is time for us to move to a larger place. 

3 big moves in the same month. And what I thought I would be excited over… I am terrified about. I am like Peter, who upon getting out of the boat and walking on water to Jesus, glances at the wind and becomes full of fear. Amanda of little faith… here I have opened these doors, performed miracles, am full in your life… and you are afraid of wind?!  Why do you doubt?

And don’t get me wrong, I am excited for my husband. I see the passion for bringing justice and peace stirring in him. I guess I feel paralyzed with fear. How will being a cop change Mike? Will I be the wife that he needs me to be? How will it affect our kids and the way we parent? How will it challenge our marriage?

And then there’s the pity party, I am in the midst of throwing: This isn’t how I saw my life going, God. I never wanted to be a cop’s wife. And what about all the dreams you placed in my heart? How could you possibly work them out now? 

What I once sensed God calling me towards, I just straight don’t feel like doing. 

Apparently I don’t handle change well. (At. All.)

I want the control back. I don’t want to trust. I want to know the end result. 

I think of some of the things I wrote while I was doing the Waiting Room series awhile back:

“I have been wrestling. I am fighting God. I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to leave my dreams alone. I want to hold on to what used to be. I don’t want to move forward. I am afraid. Without realizing it, I am closing my hand and throwing my fist at God, and telling Him this isn’t good enough. 
 

I don’t want to let go of my dreams. I don’t want to die. 

And here it is: 

          “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit” (John 12:24, NASB).

I am clinging to the “what if’s” instead of God. What if it doesn’t work out? What if we fail? What if you never raise my dreams to life, God?

 

I am nothing like Abraham who left his country for a place that was yet unknown to him. I want to know where I am going and exactly what it’s going to look like. I want guarantees… and I guess I have to admit that apparently the Bible and God's promises suddenly became not good enough.

I have allowed the enemy to mess with me, and, for the past two weeks, I have clammed up. I don’t know how to talk about it with friends. I don’t want to do anything. My house is a wreck. I am not being the kind of mother I want to be. I am battling depression. {Actually it would probably be more accurate to say depression showed up and I welcomed it in. I am not battling it.}

And I am not exactly sure where to go from here.

But I do know that the enemy loves to dwell in darkness. His lies appear as truth in darkness. We feel isolated in darkness. 

So I am bringing it to the light. Here it is. I am broken. I am unsure. I am afraid. I need my Savior. I need you too.

I am a girl who set out to bring you all a series on Crazy Obedience because I heard God’s prompting. Turns out, the whole series might have just been for me. I need to walk in Crazy Obedience.

So that said, remember how I may have mentioned that I was going to wrap up the series with some interviews and testimonies? And remember how I said I have been depressed and haven’t done much of anything? Yeah. God asked me to. I’ve been lazy. I am going to finish what I started, even if it is a week later than planned. I have a feeling God wants to speak to me through it (and maybe you too).

Thanks so much for listening. 

By Grace,

Amanda Conquers

To read all the posts in the series, click the graphic.