The One Thing That Will Always Get in the Way of Crazy Obedience
What if I get it wrong?
This question often plagues me as I raise my children, as I write my blog posts, as I share the gospel following a prompting to bring God into my conversation. I worry that something I think God is asking me to do will end in a whole lot of laughter on the other person’s part, “Seriously, you thought God would heal me? I’m not even sick. You don’t hear God at all!”
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I was 18 years old, a freshman in college. I was serving as a leader in the youth ministry and co-leading a girl’s Bible study. I really, really, really wanted to find “the one” and get married. One night, after leaving a college-age Bible study, I was driving home, and the thought crossed my mind, “What if Jake is God’s will for my life?” In fact, I thought God told me that Jake was the man I would marry.
That revelation was followed by a year-long rocky relationship that was stopped 6 months before our would-be wedding.
I remember trying to force that relationship. I remember thinking something was wrong with me when I didn’t find Jake attractive. I must struggle with lust or something. Or what if I’m some kind of prude? I really thought I was following God’s plan for my life.
I thought Jake believed I was the one. I thought my pastor’s believed we were supposed to be together. I thought that since I had once been told I would marry a minister that surely that meant Jake was it—he was a youth pastor after all.
I remember when I broke it off. I can’t describe the sense of freedom that I felt, the clarity after all that confusion. Jake thought I was cold and heartless, I felt like I had just been released from prison.
As sure as I was that I was not supposed to marry Jake, I had once been so sure that God wanted me to marry him. I really thought I heard God. Inside me, this lurking underlying question plagued me: If I thought I heard God tell me Jake was “the one,” and Jake really isn’t, then how can I know whether I am hearing God’s voice or not? What if I don’t really hear Him? What if I keep getting it wrong?
It felt like my faith had been shattered.
It felt like the ground I had been standing on was shaking beneath my feet.
Besides the way that God shaped my perception about this elusive “the one” that I had been seeking after so desperately (I do believe that’s a conversation for another time), God did a work in my heart. I might have felt like my faith was shattered, but it was really my pride. I learned so much in the aftermath of the collision of my pride with God’s Ways.
- I got to see the way God can work all things together for His glory, even my missteps. God IS that Big. God used this painful place in my life to work a miracle. (You can read about it here.)
- God never left me. In fact, the closer I got to my wedding day, the louder God’s warnings were. Somehow, it solidified in me just how much I can trust God. Even if I get it wrong, His love does not fail. He is relentless in His pursuit of me.
- I got to see the way my pride stood in the way of me and God. I wanted to trust in my own ability to hear God. I wanted to be able to make sense of what I thought God told me. Deep down, I wanted to be in control.I wanted everything to appear nice on the surface, more than I wanted the deep-down, soul-touching-spirit part of me to be okay.
- I saw just how flawed and imperfect I am. And with that I saw God wrap me up in the everlasting arms of His Grace.
- I learned God's Will isn’t something you need to prove to God, but rather something He will prove to You.
- I learned to work out my own salvation with fear and trembling.
- Knowing what it's like to walk out-of-step with God makes it a whole lot easier to know what it is to walk in-step with God.
The part where I am prone to getting it wrong makes me lean all that much closer into Jesus. With each misstep, my pride shrinks. I know how much I need my Savior. I cling to Him.
I can’t save the world. I didn’t come with that power. Only Jesus.
I might get it wrong and feel like a complete idiot, but this is where I lay it down and say, “Not for my glory, but for His Glory.”
This girl who really likes to be right is learning to release that need and just stay low. Stay willing. Stay close.
I am but as Heidi Baker says, “just His vessel in the dirt.” I am but earth and clay and it is when I am low and humble that I can shine for Him. I have to pick up my cross daily and follow Him. I have to battle my pride daily. Pride will always get in the way of crazy obedience.
"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves." 1 Corinthians 4:7
"If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm." Psalm 37:23
"The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights."
Habakkuk 3:19
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights."
Habakkuk 3:19
By Grace,
Amanda Conquers
To read all the posts in the series, click the graphic.
