I'm a Quality-Time Girl And Other Epiphanies

A few weeks ago, I was sharing the difficulty of coping with my husband’s schedule with a friend. Sometime during the course of the conversation, my friend casually said something along the lines of, “Oh, you’re a quality-time girl.”

I figured she was referring to The Five Love Languages which, by the way, I have never read.

Her comment took a few days to sink in. I had always assumed I was a words of affirmation kind of girl or the kind of girl that likes thoughtful gifts.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized my perceptive friend might be right.

………………….

Yesterday we spent time as a family. We loaded up the car, we drove to unfamiliar country, we explored, and we drove home. Kids sat perched on shoulders, silly songs were sang, jokes were told, and kids napped the whole way home while mom and dad held hands and talked about the future. After a good rest, the kids were sent to their grandparents while Mike and I sipped wine, ate good food, out-talked and out-laughed the clearly-just-dating couple sitting in earshot (and yes, we also dropped eaves together). We shared dessert and closed out the restaurant looking each other in the eyes and holding hands across the table.

Quality time.

It felt like my lungs were filled with air. My soul felt nourished. And suddenly the future didn’t have to be decided so long as those two kids and that one man were in it.

Yes, I am definitely a quality-time girl.

………………………..

I wanted to share an epiphany I had (outside of the one where I figured out my love language).

This family is weathering change. A storm of sorts. Where mom is fighting off anxiety and depression and trying to find a new normal. Where dad is in a completely new career… the kind where you put your life on the line, the kind where you see things you can never unsee, the kind where your normal day is showing up to someone’s worst day.

When a ship is weathering a violent storm, cargo is thrown overboard to lighten the load, to make the storm more manageable.

And don’t we do the same? When we are busy, or facing change, or in the throes of some trial, don’t we tend to say “no” more? Get terrible at keeping in touch with friends? Eat more frozen pizza? Excuse things like yelling and messes and the behaviors we normally keep in check?

So here’s my thought: When you are facing a storm in your life, evaluate what is most important so you don’t accidentally toss it off the ship. You need to know what needs to be held on to. 

And here’s where the love language thing comes in: Knowing the love language of everyone in your family is, well, at the cost of sounding cliché, really important. No matter what storms you face, you will weather them so much better as a family if you hold onto love.

Some suggestions:

• If someone in your family needs those words of affirmation, don’t allow the head-in-your-hands frustration to rob you of your kind words for him.
• If you are facing a financial storm and someone in your family is a gift-receiver, just because you need to cut back spending doesn’t mean you should cut back those thoughtful gifts.  
• If your husband is now working long and strange hours and someone in your family happens to be a quality time person, make the effort to carve out quality time somehow, someway.
• If you find yourself emotionally and physically exhausted and someone in your family receives love through hands-on touch or by acts of service, don’t stop being affectionate; don’t stop doing.

In it all, there will need to be creativity. Like how to fit quality time into a unique and limited schedule or how to give gifts with a very a small budget.

And in it all, there will need to be grace. Grace for you. Grace for your loved ones. Grace that allows you to work it out one day at a time.  And I think it’s also important to add, grace that gently teaches a spouse to speak a language he does not naturally speak (like for example, my husband doesn’t quite understand how to speak quality time. So I am learning that if I plan it, he will give me his undivided attention. Asking him to plan it, at least on a regular basis, is like asking him to speak Chinese—something he definitely does not know how to do.)

{Here’s a link to Focus on the Family's bit on The Five Love Languages. It includes a summary of the truths in the book and a quiz if you would like to figure out your own love language}

This family is now taking advantage of my husband’s long weekends that he gets every other week, and making at least one of the days family adventure day. I am kind of excited. I love me some adventures. I know quality time is one cargo item on this family's ship that we need to keep us nourished as we adjust to change… and will keep this woman grounded when she braves the long work week where she barely sees her man.

So, what’s your love language?

By Grace,

Amanda Conquers