"Survival Mode"
Right now...
I am struggling.
The conquering housewife is feeling a little defeated.
I don't say this to complain. I don't say it because I want pity. I say it to keep it real and because I know I am not the only one who struggles. Sometimes it is really comforting to know I am not the only one, and maybe you too will find comfort in this.
Life has changed on me and I seem to have a hard time adjusting to change. My husband started a 9-month-long, intensive training program for his dream job 2 weeks ago. He is now home to sleep and shower... and occasionally do lunch or dinner with us. I feel the pressure to make lunch and dinner at the exact time it must be done so I don't make him late to class, not to mention iron his clothes and pack his lunch. I feel I must become SuperWife when he's home so I can make the most of the time with him for the kids. It is exhausting. I am exhausted. I am with the kids all the time unless I ask for help. Have I ever mentioned what a hard time I have asking for help? Jed has changed his schedule on me so not only are coordinating nap times with his sister's difficult, but he also wakes up with me (um, Jed, perhaps you weren't aware of this, but I get up early so I can have time with just me, my Cheerios, my coffee and God...and sometimes even my blog if I am really lucky.) On top of this, he has decided to boycott sleeping in his bed (I am on day 4 of it taking over an hour of crying to get him to sleep at night, plus at least 3 wake-ups a night, ugh!). Housework seems to swallow me up. I constantly feel like I am drowning in a sea of stuffed animals, blocks, dirty underwear and Cheerios. My children seem more like mess-creating tornadoes than learning, growing, cute little humans that I love to nurture ("Oh, Addy, why did you get that puzzle out? You never put it away?" So negative! Can't I just appreciate that she is young and that she is playing with a "learning" toy??). And then there is that little voice behind all of this, what about your dreams, Amanda? When will it be time for your dreams? I never thought motherhood would feel like this great big "dreams on hold" button was being pushed until your kids are all out of the house. I don't think its supposed feel like that or at least I don't think it has to... but it does. I am not quite sure how to navigate my way out of that one. I am pretty sure there is something beautiful, purposeful, and meaningful about the waiting periods of our life...I seriously need to find it...but I am so not there yet. (fellow my-home-church-goers: didn't Pastor Gillian Burchell bring a CD about a message on the waiting periods of our life...something about yellow traffic lights??? Did anyone grab it? And can I borrow it?) Hmm... I feel like this post has become a "Welcome to my pity party. Can I get you a nice cup of complaint or perhaps a glass of whine?" Sorry!
Depression is something this girl battled in her teenage years. God definitely did a miracle for me (perhaps a story for another time.), but I have to keep it in check. I am seeing its symptoms start to appear: constantly feeling overwhelmed, extremely tired, desperately wanting out of the house but can't get the energy to actually get out of the house, seriously lacking in conversation though I am in serious need of friendship, wanting to watch tv simply because I want to not have to think, and being easily distracted by the stupidest things (who is that girl from high school dating? I wonder what kind of guy he is? Who is that with him in that picture?... Don't tell me I am the only one who falls into the facebook-stalking abyss every now and again.)
I haven't quite found my positive "God Moment" spin on all this yet. That's why I have been kind of quiet on this blog. I don't like saying anything if I have nothing nice to say. You have problems too, why would you want to hear about mine? And most likely you've gone through harder times than these, at least I know I have. But I have committed to being real, so here it is: I am struggling.
It seems there is this imaginary line I eventually cross when life throws changes at me. I get into "survival mode" at first...a maybe-if-I-pull-the-covers-over-my-head-it-will-just-go-away mentality or a just-grit-my-teeth-and-bear-it mentality. I do what I can to survive, make it work, and then I cross this imaginary line, the this-far-and-no-further line, and I decide I must make changes. I must figure out how to live through the struggle. No more barely keeping my head above water, it is time to find my life boat. JESUS! I NEED YOU! Yep, it's so time.
Pick your butt up, Amanda. Dust yourself off. Stop complaining. Stop hiding. Stop with the "survival mode." Figure out how to thrive through this. Yes, with God's help you CAN thrive through this. Depression simply isn't an option (don't misread that...this is my pep talk to myself. I realize that depression can be severe and completely medical.) I think I shall make a list of resolutions to give me some accountability and some ways I am thinking will help me to get out from under this.
My Resolutions:
1. Time with God is mandatory, Amanda! Not because of some law, but because I need it. God is my help and my strength... and if this really is the case, perhaps I better start turning to Him for help and strength!
2. Ask for help with kids from friends, parents, or siblings at least once a week. And, yes, you DO need help! And, yes, you DO need to ask for it!
3. Housecleaning- dishes must be done once daily and toys picked up once. However, only one day is to be set aside for housecleaning a week (things like scrubbing the toilet, the floors... you are simply going to have to get over the imperfect state of your house lest you go crazy) and only one day is to be set aside for laundry a week (so get your butt into gear and get that laundry cleaned, folded AND put away in one day lest it look like it rained shirts and underwear inside your tiny house).
4. New rule: The toys in Addy's room stay in Addy's room. I got myself a storage bin in the living area for toys that Addy and Jed can both play with and seriously there is just way too much to do in a day to allow more mess to be dragged throughout the house... she CAN keep it in her room and this is NOT asking too much.
5. If I am going to spend so much time in this house, it is finally time to make this apartment feel like home: pillows, curtains, paint, and ORGANIZATION. Yep, its definitely time. I once read it's a good idea to go room to room and organize one room at a time and spend 2-3 weeks adjusting you and and your family to the changes you've made (like where mail, keys and change now goes...) before moving on to another room. Yeah, do that!
6. Mommy and Addy dates. Girlfriend needs some time with me all to herself.
7. Mommy and Daddy dates. However we can cram them into Mike's busy week, we must cram them in. Jed can definitely adjust to daddy not being around. Addy will have a hard time, but time with mommy and a little time with daddy will make it easier for her. Our marriage, however, mandates that we spend some time together lest it fall apart or bitterness take root. I need to worry less about my kids getting time with Mike and worry more about me getting time with Mike.
8. Our income has changed (like 3 months ago). Do re-work your budget to match the new figures... like TODAY, Amanda! Let's not also drown in bills and debt.
Coming Up next week: I got some Valentine's Day stuff in the works. I wrote a post I can't wait to share and a countdown of my favorite love poetry. That means one post every day next week! I look forward to you stopping by this blog for a visit. Sorry no Valentine's crafts here. I am just not the door wreath for every holiday kind of girl...in fact I don't even own A wreath. (But I am a super big literature nerd... hence the poetry. Who needs holiday wall decor when you can just have book cases and shelves full of books all over your walls, right? Ha!)
Coming Soon: I have started some home organization projects in my great room. Can't wait till it's all done and I can share. My father-in-law is a master painter and is going to help me shabby-chic up some thrift store finds. This makes me happy: the man is super artistic, great with color and a genius with faux finishes. I have LOTS of ideas. I think I may even be busting out the power tools. [Insert tough face and flexed muscles]
And while I am thinking of such things... Do comment on my posts and join my site if you are so inclined. That kind of stuff makes my day.
I am struggling.
The conquering housewife is feeling a little defeated.
I don't say this to complain. I don't say it because I want pity. I say it to keep it real and because I know I am not the only one who struggles. Sometimes it is really comforting to know I am not the only one, and maybe you too will find comfort in this.
Life has changed on me and I seem to have a hard time adjusting to change. My husband started a 9-month-long, intensive training program for his dream job 2 weeks ago. He is now home to sleep and shower... and occasionally do lunch or dinner with us. I feel the pressure to make lunch and dinner at the exact time it must be done so I don't make him late to class, not to mention iron his clothes and pack his lunch. I feel I must become SuperWife when he's home so I can make the most of the time with him for the kids. It is exhausting. I am exhausted. I am with the kids all the time unless I ask for help. Have I ever mentioned what a hard time I have asking for help? Jed has changed his schedule on me so not only are coordinating nap times with his sister's difficult, but he also wakes up with me (um, Jed, perhaps you weren't aware of this, but I get up early so I can have time with just me, my Cheerios, my coffee and God...and sometimes even my blog if I am really lucky.) On top of this, he has decided to boycott sleeping in his bed (I am on day 4 of it taking over an hour of crying to get him to sleep at night, plus at least 3 wake-ups a night, ugh!). Housework seems to swallow me up. I constantly feel like I am drowning in a sea of stuffed animals, blocks, dirty underwear and Cheerios. My children seem more like mess-creating tornadoes than learning, growing, cute little humans that I love to nurture ("Oh, Addy, why did you get that puzzle out? You never put it away?" So negative! Can't I just appreciate that she is young and that she is playing with a "learning" toy??). And then there is that little voice behind all of this, what about your dreams, Amanda? When will it be time for your dreams? I never thought motherhood would feel like this great big "dreams on hold" button was being pushed until your kids are all out of the house. I don't think its supposed feel like that or at least I don't think it has to... but it does. I am not quite sure how to navigate my way out of that one. I am pretty sure there is something beautiful, purposeful, and meaningful about the waiting periods of our life...I seriously need to find it...but I am so not there yet. (fellow my-home-church-goers: didn't Pastor Gillian Burchell bring a CD about a message on the waiting periods of our life...something about yellow traffic lights??? Did anyone grab it? And can I borrow it?) Hmm... I feel like this post has become a "Welcome to my pity party. Can I get you a nice cup of complaint or perhaps a glass of whine?" Sorry!
Depression is something this girl battled in her teenage years. God definitely did a miracle for me (perhaps a story for another time.), but I have to keep it in check. I am seeing its symptoms start to appear: constantly feeling overwhelmed, extremely tired, desperately wanting out of the house but can't get the energy to actually get out of the house, seriously lacking in conversation though I am in serious need of friendship, wanting to watch tv simply because I want to not have to think, and being easily distracted by the stupidest things (who is that girl from high school dating? I wonder what kind of guy he is? Who is that with him in that picture?... Don't tell me I am the only one who falls into the facebook-stalking abyss every now and again.)
I haven't quite found my positive "God Moment" spin on all this yet. That's why I have been kind of quiet on this blog. I don't like saying anything if I have nothing nice to say. You have problems too, why would you want to hear about mine? And most likely you've gone through harder times than these, at least I know I have. But I have committed to being real, so here it is: I am struggling.
It seems there is this imaginary line I eventually cross when life throws changes at me. I get into "survival mode" at first...a maybe-if-I-pull-the-covers-over-my-head-it-will-just-go-away mentality or a just-grit-my-teeth-and-bear-it mentality. I do what I can to survive, make it work, and then I cross this imaginary line, the this-far-and-no-further line, and I decide I must make changes. I must figure out how to live through the struggle. No more barely keeping my head above water, it is time to find my life boat. JESUS! I NEED YOU! Yep, it's so time.
Pick your butt up, Amanda. Dust yourself off. Stop complaining. Stop hiding. Stop with the "survival mode." Figure out how to thrive through this. Yes, with God's help you CAN thrive through this. Depression simply isn't an option (don't misread that...this is my pep talk to myself. I realize that depression can be severe and completely medical.) I think I shall make a list of resolutions to give me some accountability and some ways I am thinking will help me to get out from under this.
My Resolutions:
1. Time with God is mandatory, Amanda! Not because of some law, but because I need it. God is my help and my strength... and if this really is the case, perhaps I better start turning to Him for help and strength!
2. Ask for help with kids from friends, parents, or siblings at least once a week. And, yes, you DO need help! And, yes, you DO need to ask for it!
3. Housecleaning- dishes must be done once daily and toys picked up once. However, only one day is to be set aside for housecleaning a week (things like scrubbing the toilet, the floors... you are simply going to have to get over the imperfect state of your house lest you go crazy) and only one day is to be set aside for laundry a week (so get your butt into gear and get that laundry cleaned, folded AND put away in one day lest it look like it rained shirts and underwear inside your tiny house).
4. New rule: The toys in Addy's room stay in Addy's room. I got myself a storage bin in the living area for toys that Addy and Jed can both play with and seriously there is just way too much to do in a day to allow more mess to be dragged throughout the house... she CAN keep it in her room and this is NOT asking too much.
5. If I am going to spend so much time in this house, it is finally time to make this apartment feel like home: pillows, curtains, paint, and ORGANIZATION. Yep, its definitely time. I once read it's a good idea to go room to room and organize one room at a time and spend 2-3 weeks adjusting you and and your family to the changes you've made (like where mail, keys and change now goes...) before moving on to another room. Yeah, do that!
6. Mommy and Addy dates. Girlfriend needs some time with me all to herself.
7. Mommy and Daddy dates. However we can cram them into Mike's busy week, we must cram them in. Jed can definitely adjust to daddy not being around. Addy will have a hard time, but time with mommy and a little time with daddy will make it easier for her. Our marriage, however, mandates that we spend some time together lest it fall apart or bitterness take root. I need to worry less about my kids getting time with Mike and worry more about me getting time with Mike.
8. Our income has changed (like 3 months ago). Do re-work your budget to match the new figures... like TODAY, Amanda! Let's not also drown in bills and debt.
Coming Up next week: I got some Valentine's Day stuff in the works. I wrote a post I can't wait to share and a countdown of my favorite love poetry. That means one post every day next week! I look forward to you stopping by this blog for a visit. Sorry no Valentine's crafts here. I am just not the door wreath for every holiday kind of girl...in fact I don't even own A wreath. (But I am a super big literature nerd... hence the poetry. Who needs holiday wall decor when you can just have book cases and shelves full of books all over your walls, right? Ha!)
Coming Soon: I have started some home organization projects in my great room. Can't wait till it's all done and I can share. My father-in-law is a master painter and is going to help me shabby-chic up some thrift store finds. This makes me happy: the man is super artistic, great with color and a genius with faux finishes. I have LOTS of ideas. I think I may even be busting out the power tools. [Insert tough face and flexed muscles]
And while I am thinking of such things... Do comment on my posts and join my site if you are so inclined. That kind of stuff makes my day.