I'm Not Sorry

There’s a phrase I find myself saying far too much: “I’m sorry.”

Now this is a very handy phrase if you think about it. When you do something wrong or on accident, there it is, remorse and sympathy all rolled into one phrase: “I’m sorry.”

I find myself saying it when I do stuff right though.

“I’m sorry the house is such a mess” (when it’s a mess because I chose to take the kids to the park instead of cleaning so they could get the fresh air they needed).

“I’m so sorry; I just can’t do that right now” (when I have to say no to a service opportunity that will take up time that needs to be spent with my family… the family who has a dad who is rarely home, a mom who is really tired and 2 kids who are really young and active).

“I’m sorry I’m late” (when I am running late because I have 2 kids to corral. And while I definitely need to work on starting to get out the door earlier, I cannot help all the unseen dilemmas that might plague my departure—lost keys, temper tantrums, or diaper disasters).

Truth be told, those sorries are just me living under the weight of expectations. Simply put: I just really want people to like me. I don’t want them to think I am an unhelpful and unpunctual slob. 

The crazy part of this is that I am fairly certain [most] people don’t notice such things or place expectations on me. So why do I always feel compelled to say sorry?? Could it be that I have my own set of expectations for myself? Could it be that there is a struggle inside of me—of fear? I am afraid I am not enough.

When I enter my messy abode, see the dishes, turn down someone’s request for help in the nursery at church, walk by the laundry pile that’s been there for 3 days, walk in late to a room full of people who managed to make it on time, I feel the weight—that “you aren’t good enough and you’ll never get it right.”

But, I need to not live under that weight. I need to not be sorry. Not because sorry isn’t a good thing. Sometimes it is a really good thing. But this girl needs to give herself permission to live free from my own expectations--permission to not "have it all together." I need to not think so little of myself—I am not an unhelpful, unpunctual slob.

I need to be free to choose the better thing—the thing that builds up those most precious to me rather than please the ones whose opinions might judge me. Everyone has only 24 hours each day—24 hours to devote to whatever one chooses. My 2 littles need a whole lot of those hours. They are little. They will only be little once. 

 

Someone once told me, “your no is just as spiritual as your yes… and sometimes even morespiritual.” No can be freeing. No lives outside of people’s opinions and expectations. No says you know what you are supposed to do and what you are not supposed to do. (And, of course, like many things there are the instances that one can overuse No, but I think you get the point.)

Sometimes one needs to say No to cleaning the house… and yes to playing with the kids.

Sometimes one needs to say No to service opportunities… and yes to family time.

Sometimes one needs to say No to rushing out the door in a mad frenzy… and yes to peace.

And sometimes one needs to not apologize for any of it. (Okay, so I am not actually advocating rudeness. Say "I'm sorry" if appropriate. Just don't apologize to yourself for keeping the best things first. No need to shout "No! And I'm not sorry about it either!" at the poor nursery volunteer. I wish there was a phrase in the English language that conveyed sympathy and love, while at the same time also indicating personal freedom from expectations.)

Amanda, you are doing an awesome job. You love on your kids. You keep the most important things first. In Him, You are enough. He will be your Strength if you cry out for help. You were chosen for Addy and Jed. You were chosen for Michael, and every day since 2005 Michael chooses you. You are enough! There will be dishes, there will be messes, you will get to them. Step out from under the weight of your own dang expectations, Amanda. Love your kids and your husband. And know, YOU ARE ENOUGH! {So stop apologizing like you aren’t enough}

This is my pep talk to myself. I thought perhaps someone else could benefit from it too.

Xo

Amanda

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