Because Sometimes I'm Just a Big Sissy-La-La Girl
I thought I was starting to get the rhythm of this whole walking with God, day by day. Listening for His voice.
It is not easy.
Thing is, I grow weary so fast. I am one big sissy-la-la girl when it comes to trials. And change? Yeah, I kind of hate it… especially when I have no control over it. I think it is safe to admit that right now I am in the midst of a little freak-out. Trials and Change.
I think of the Hebrews—Jesus-loving Jews. Hated by Romans. Hated by Jews. Persecuted on all sides. The book of Hebrews talks about how they were persecuted, endured great trials, and did it with rejoicing. They went through imprisonments, living day to day for provision, mockery… but their rejoicing only lasted so long. When more trials came their way, they began to waver and complain. Hebrews 10:36 points out what they were lacking:
“For you have need of endurance.”
This is the verse that is currently staring at me—gently tapping me on the shoulder. This verse is the two hands firmly cupping my cheeks during my little freak-out looking me square in the eye and telling me to focus. Perhaps, this is terrible to admit, but I kind of want to tell my Bible to shut up. I don’t want endurance. I don’t want to suffer. Rejoice in trials?! Pass!
“For you have need of endurance.”
Do I? Do I really need it, God?
{insert deep sigh}
“For you have need of endurance, SO THAT when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised… BUT we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul” (Hebrews 10:36,39).
We—followers of Christ, lovers of God—We are of those who left their country for one yet unknown because God said so, who stared lions in the face because we would rather please God than a king, who built a huge boat for something strange and yet to be seen (rain), who chose to be counted with suffering people rather than enjoy the pleasures of Pharaoh’s court, who circled a city for seven days and believed walking by faith and praising God could give them the victory.
We are not of those who shrink back.
And yet, don’t we?! Shrink back?
I see the hint of a trial and I want to grab my big comforter and a hide under it. I imagine the worst. I get angry. I stop rejoicing. I stop walking by faith because there is no way I am taking another step without know where I am going. I want to solve the problem. I want to know the outcome. I lose sleep. I lose energy. I fail to trust.
I want all the pieces to the puzzle so that I can put it all together. It’s as though deep down I am thinking, Thanks God for the mess you made of my life—I got it from here, thanks.
Oh, Amanda!
You have need of endurance!
And doesn’t slow and steady win the race?
So, I am slowing. Doing what doesn’t come natural… I am leaning in close to God. Instead of praying up a storm things like: Do this! Do that! And now, God! I am **trying** to be still. To know that He is God--Faithful--Sovereign. I am listening. Opening my hands to the things I am clinging to, that maybe He wants me to trust Him with.
I am learning that I do not need to know it all now. God provides what I need for each day. And the next day? Well, He’ll provide for that then.
I am walking one step at a time in the direction God is leading me, even if I don’t know the outcome, and even if I don’t particularly like the uncertainty of where I am currently at. I am remembering that a soldier doesn’t change their direction until the Sergeant changes their marches orders.
It’s time to stop the emotional and reactionary freak out when I smell a trial or a change coming. It’s time to lean in close to Jesus. It’s time to learn endurance.
And, perhaps, endurance is found not so much by pressing harder when it gets tough... but by pressing into the gentle arms of One Very Tough Dude--the Savior who endured and endured and endured for us.
How do you handle trials and change? Do you need endurance? Maybe we can pray for one another?
By Grace,
Amanda