Walking through Miscarriage: Practical Advice for Friends and Loved Ones, Spouses, and the Woman Who's Hurting

I have done this a few times now. And I've learned a few things. Today, I wanted to conclude the Still Hope series with some of the practical things I have learned and what others have done that has been helpful and has been hurtful. If you have had a miscarriage and wondered things like how to share the news or have a friend or loved one going through this and want to be helpful and supportive... this post is for you.

For You

Give yourself Grace. You can (and should) stop and grieve. It’s okay if the housework slacks, the dinners are take-out or seriously uninspired. It’s okay if you have to keep escaping to your room to cry. It’s okay if you let all the responsibilities you can get out of go for a season.
Receive Grace. If other’s are asking you how they can help and you have a stack of dishes in your sink, it’s okay to respond with that as an answer. It’s okay to need help. It's also okay to not know how to respond to everyone's kind words, prayers, generosity... just receive it, sister.
It’s your story. If you just shared this amazing, well-planned and super cute post on facebook announcing your pregnancy and now you are left wondering how to share this hard news, it is entirely up to you. The Lord is the redeemer of our stories, but you are the keeper of your story. It’s okay to ask someone else to share this hard news (My husband and mom did this for me). It’s okay to hole up for a week till you can face this. It’s okay to slowly let your story out, one person at a time. It’s okay to share it and then hide out for a week without checking your messages. It’s okay to share every step in this process. It is entirely up to you.
You cannot help how anyone will respond. Sometimes the encouragement and the prayers will hold you up, strengthen you. Sometimes other people’s way of dealing with grief will strip you raw. Do keep this in mind when thinking about when to share and who to share with.
Even if you hadn’t shared the news with anyone before you miscarried, still, find someone other than your spouse who you can share this with… someone who can “mourn with those who mourn,” someone who won’t just listen once, but will ask you every couple days how you are doing, someone who will pray with you.
Ask for what you need. I felt like I needed out of town, to hike something, to breathe fresh air. It was hard to ask my husband, to fork out money for a hotel and food, and I had to ask twice, because the first time my husband didn’t understand how desperately I needed this. It’s okay to speak up and ask.

For The Friends and Loved Ones

Choose your words wisely. Sometimes we naturally want to fix problems, find some kind of silver lining. But when her heart is bleeding and raw, you just need to allow her to grieve. Those searching-for-a-positive statements deny a person the right to grieve (They are in a better place. At least you know you can get pregnant. At least it happened now instead of further along.). One day it will be time for this, just not while its fresh.
It is okay to not have a solid response. The most comforting words for me looked like “Amanda, I am just so sorry.” “Holding you in prayer.” “I have been there, and it hurts. Praying.” "I don't know what to say, but I want you to know my heart is hurting for you."
Saying nothing is better than a cliché. I’ve heard “God only gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers” “God won’t give you more than you can handle” “Heaven got another angel” Besides the fact that these ones I mentioned are just not Scriptural, clichés feel flat when you are feeling deeply.
Check in on your close friend. I have a small handful of friends whom would send me texts or emails every couple days: How are you doing today? What can I do for you? I read this scripture and thought of you. Just want you to know I am still praying for you… I can’t even tell you how much these women have helped me this past year. How much they have looked like Jesus and Grace.
You don’t have to have gone through this to be able to help. Those friends I mentioned, most of them have never walked this road. And really, that hasn’t mattered. It’s been important for me to see that I am not the only one, to hear other stories, but even more helpful are those who are willing to stop and lift me up.
Small acts of kindness. Volunteering to take the kids to the park for an afternoon, volunteering to bring dinner (in a disposable pan that I don’t have to wash and return and remember to whom it belongs), a sweet card, hot tea and scones, flowers, just a little something that says I am thinking of you. Here’s where I am honest: maybe it’s the introvert in me, but I didn’t want any kind of help for a good week that meant having company because I just didn’t have anything in my energy reserve. So if you are wanting to be helpful like this, just be sensitive to this (and if your friend is a hardcore introvert, maybe do something that you can leave on her doorstep or can arrive in a mailbox).

For the Husband

You don’t have to understand why she is so sad. You don’t have to be as sad as she is. But do allow her the room to be sad, to process this in her own time and way. Miscarriage is deeply personal to a woman. She might feel like a failure, she might be angry over it, she might be deeply sad. Give her that room to stop and grieve.
Offer her grace. Lots. The housework might slack, the dinners might be lame, don’t point this out. Offer to cook dinner or pick up take out.
Listen to her. When I miscarried over the summer, I was so angry, so angry. I just needed to do something, get out of town, hike something, wear my legs and my lungs out. Though I had to ask more than once, my husband heard this, asked for the time off and took me to the mountains. When I cried my eyes out and told him how stupid this miscarriage was, he didn’t say anything. I didn’t need him to say anything. He just offered his chest to cry on and put his arms around me.
Be a shield for her. Mike shared the news for me with his family and our extended relatives. He watched out for me, made sure I wasn’t overdoing it. He watched for signs of me being overwhelmed and took the kids to the park.

Any advice to add to this list? Share with us in the comments.

This wraps up the miscarriage series. I can't even tell you how healing it has been to write, and how burdened my heart has been for you, dear sister, who might be walking this hard road. I want you to know I have been praying for you, praying for peace and comfort, and for God to wrap His arms around you, praying for redemption of this hard part in your story. {Hugs}

By Grace,
Amanda Conquers

If you missed the introduction to this series, you can find it HERE.

If you would like to continue reading, here are the rest of the posts in the series:

Season of Mourning
When You Are Trying to Make Something Out of Your Ashes
Project Still Hope
What Hope Really Looks Like
What You Need to Know When Fear is Suffocating You