When God Leads You Onward

At the very beginning of this year, God led us out of our home church.

There’s a very good chance, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve walked through. At least right now, it feels that way.  

I mean, it’s the church I went to right after I gave God all of my life. It’s where I learned how to follow Christ, how to do ministry. It’s where I met my husband, it’s where we dedicated our kids. It’s the place where I connected with so many of the people who have been pressed onto the pages of my life’s story.

About a year ago, my church had moved from the small town I was raised in to a larger city a half hour away and merged with another church. My husband and I felt like we were supposed to make the move. And while we could see God’s hand in it and how He blessed the church and the pastors, I struggled to see where I fit in it.

In looking back, I know God had us stay for a reason. In the aftermath of all the change in our lives, I found myself battling depression and insomnia. Our marriage was a struggle those first months adjusting to Mike becoming a cop. We needed the people who had been praying for us, supporting us, encouraging us for years and years to keep on doing that. I am so glad God had us stay through the move.

And then at the start of January, in the middle of praying and making the longings of my heart known, clear as crystal and quiet as a breeze, God said, “Okay, you can go now.”

I was stunned. I probably spewed a stream of questions at God, but He was quiet on all the details.

So when the next Sunday came, I visited a new church. And the next Sunday, and the next Sunday… and in setting out, I wanted to go back. I wanted normal and safe and to know which seats I could sit in and to have familiar faces saying hi. I didn’t want to let go of the relationships I considered most dear, the people who had been there on my worst days and my best days. How do you leave when you genuinely like and care about everyone? But I just knew, like knew knew, God was leading us on, and I was not to go back.

I had always imagined that when we left, there would be tearful goodbyes, meaningful thank-yous, and prayers for blessings in our new season—a send-off of sorts. But that's not how God works sometimes. And I find that hard.

Truth be told, right now, I dislike Sundays and getting two kids up for church and trying to navigate my way through kids check in, seat-finding, and small-talk with strangers. I have no idea where God wants us, but I get the distinct feeling He has us in transition, and we might be here for a while.

I don’t have the words to describe the way God is working on me, the way He is so near. I see how weak I am, the way I want to back out, Can I just go back to the way things were?!… but I also see a braveness rising up. Maybe I have to talk myself through anxiety and push back tears, but I go every Sunday, usually without my husband… and I go clinging to Jesus. I know my kids need to be there, they need to see that we value community, worship, and God. I know I need to learn how to trust, how to live in the in-between.

It seems like it isn’t really taught in church how to transition, how to leave. 

I was raised believing, though it was more implied than taught, that church-hopping was what people did who weren’t fully committed Christ-followers. People who left seemed shunned. There might have been reasons that were an “acceptable” reason to leave, but all I got was, just don’t leave. Somehow I missed that faith is always first an inward thing, a God-with-me, more than it was how I appeared or where I belonged. I thought spirituality could be measured by one’s level of plugged-in-ness, involved-ness, and how many times one showed up at the church each week. I didn’t realize spirituality could mean that God could call you out unto Himself in the still, quiet, unconnected, land of in-between.

I mean, think about all the stories in the Bible where people were in-between, waiting, connected only to God. Abraham’s journey to the land yet to be shown to him. The Israelites in the wilderness. David’s time of hiding from Saul. Elijah in seclusion being provided for by ravens. How about the passage in Hosea: “I will allure her, bring her out into the wilderness and speak kindly to her…” (2:14).

Sometimes God calls us out into the in-between.

But I do believe it’s always full of such purpose. Perhaps it’s so we can really know Him, know His character, know His voice. Perhaps it’s that the God who knows all and cares deeply longs to protect us from some unforeseen danger. Perhaps it’s that He longs to work some miracle, some kind of surprise. I am not sure what God is doing, but I do know it’s what God is asking of me. 

And really, that’s enough for me.  

So, right now, I am finding such value in this blogging community, my mom's group, and my good friends. Even in my "unconnectedness" I have found I am still connected to the body of Christ. Community comes in all forms. And it's so valuable.

I have found that because it is completely exhausting (and probably asking too much of me and the kids), it's okay to find a place to transition. We have been mostly going to a sweet little church until God directs us somewhere else, or tells us that's the place He wants to plant us.

I would love to know if you have ever walked through this? How was it difficult? How did God show Himself faithful? I’d love to hear from you. (Also, if this is something you are going through, I’d love to hear about it, in the comments or by email at amandaconquers at gmail dot com. Pray for each other?)

By Grace,

Amanda Conquers

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