The One Where I Am Back from a Long Break and Talking About Things Like Trust
I am back!
I have no idea if you want to shout, but I sure do:
“YAY!!!”
I am grateful for the time away. I may be embarrassed to
admit just how much cleaner my house stayed and how much more prepared-for our
family meals were. I got bit by the reading bug and read something like 8
novels in two months’ time.
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| Just in case you missed these faces... |
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| Jed totally busted his mouth on a brick fireplace the day before this picture. And the grass is in focus over the boy, but taking pictures of a 2 1/2 year old boy isn't exactly easy. |
These last few months have felt like a bit of a whirlwind.
The last week of December, we got word our landlords were selling our place. We
hadn’t even lived here long enough to fulfill our one year lease. This started us looking into places to live
and realizing, at least in our area, the rent market had jumped up. Just to
make sure we were making an informed decision, we sat down with a mortgage consultant
just to see how far away we were from being able to buy our own home. As it
turns out, we are far more ready (at least financially) than we had realized.
So for the last month and a half, we have been showing our condo (or do I say
our landlord’s condo?) and trying to find a place of our own.
We have to move this week. I started packing… um… last night
(yeah, I know. I’m freaking out too). We are moving in with my parents until we
can find a house. We are pretty sure we found the house for us, it’s just that
it’s a short sale (which, by the way, I do believe it would be more way accurate to refer to them as
long sales.)
Have I ever mentioned how much I stink at change?! All this
moving business coupled with one other major change (which I will tell you
about when I am able. And no, I am not pregnant. Though likely that would be a perfectly
reasonable question at this time in my life) has left me feeling a bit like I
am almost teetering on the edge. I have been able to put into place much of
what I had learned last year when my world flipped upside down with a move, a
church move, and my husband starting a career in law enforcement in the span of
a month. I am walking forward not paralyzed by change, and that, friends, is a
victory all by itself.
At the start of a new year, I like to think back at what God
did and then make a prayer or a goal for where I know God is leading me
in the next year. I had been listening to a song on repeat for almost a month,
rolling over the words, comparing them against the words that might define the
way I live.
“Spirit lead where my trust is without borders, let me walk
upon the waters…Take me deeper that my feet could ever wander, then my faith
would be made stronger…”
Before the move, before viewing houses, before all the
change, before all the uncertainty. I made this my prayer: God, I want to trust You. Really trust You. I want to learn to walk
upon water.
I keep thinking of the phrase “trust without borders.” A
border is a marker, a line, a this far and no further. It implies laid out plans,
blueprints. It also seems to imply what is within reason and what is not. It gives
God a specific region of your life and heart and secludes Him from others:
whether it’s not forgiving that person that “straight done you wrong,” not
giving change to the beggar you are certain will use it for drugs, or even
thinking that God can lead you to the dream you have for your life but
prohibiting Him from trials that might prepare you for the dream.
I think of Abraham. God told him to “Get to a land that I
will show you.” No borders, no road map, just one step at a time listening for
God’s voice to tell him which way to go next.
God told Abraham he would be the father of many nations,
that Sarah would bear him a son… and all this after it was physically possible.
God later told Abraham to sacrifice his one and only son, the son that he was
promised, the son that was a miracle in itself. And Abraham obeyed.
Trust without borders.
Of course, God had never intended to take Isaac. God wanted
to be first in Abraham’s life… to captivate Abraham’s heart rather than the
many gifts God had given Abraham. I think God wanted to captivate Abraham’s
heart far beyond Abraham’s ability to reason and rationalize too.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that I do believe I
have been afforded an opportunity to trust. To walk out on an open sea that is
uncertain and a little stormy. To keep my eyes on Jesus when I want to give
into the torrential flow of questions streaming through my brain, most of which
start with the two words “What if…”
What if it doesn’t
work out? What if we get in over our heads? What if we can’t find anything?
What if we get it all wrong?
This
self-professed over-thinker has been clinging to Psalm 139.
“…You have enclosed me behind and before,And laid Your hand upon me.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,’
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You...”
“…You have enclosed me behind and before,And laid Your hand upon me.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,’
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You...”
Where can I go that He is not?
No matter how my geographical location changes or where we go to church or whether we get it all right or all wrong, God is with me.
No matter how my geographical location changes or where we go to church or whether we get it all right or all wrong, God is with me.
I cannot escape His presence.
For some reason, for this first-born girl who has perhaps worried far too much about “getting it right,” that is really comforting.
Okay, and now I must go since there are mere minutes left before
the sleeping bear I call my son awakens
from his slumber and clamors through the house until I agree to just sit
underneath him. (He's kind of going through a clingy phase...)
I can’t wait to share more with you about all the happenings
here… and I even have some recipes in the works. Though I will say, all this
sharing I can’t wait to do, may have to actually wait… till I pack this entire
house and move! (Pray for me, friends!)
So looking forward to more of this. It is so good to be
back!
By Grace,
Amanda Conquers
Oh, and one more thing, since I am excited and can't keep it to myself. In the wee hours of Sunday morning, I became an AUNTIE!!! :)
Here's that song I was quoting. Oceans by Hillsong United